Let me begin by saying this development alone, as much of an admirer of the early work of the Trump administration as I am, I now find myself inverted on the right track/wrong track index. We’re headed for big trouble.
Back in 1931, J. Wellington Wimpy in the Popeye comics repeatedly tried to mooch off of other customers of Rough House’s diner to buy him food. He would say, “Cook me up a hamburger. I’ll pay you Tuesday.” A year later, it was simplified, and the quote has been used ever since. “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.” Thanks to a Swedish finance company, Klarna, we now have Wimpy, the App. The only thing missing is the name and the marketing.
I realize I’m probably in the minority here, but I’m not a fan of DoorDash, UberEats, or any of the other services that bring you food. Amazon and UPS is my limit on home deliveries, and that’s reserved for stuff I can’t go out and get locally. In my house, I am DoorDash. If we don’t eat something for dinner at home, all eyes usually turn to me, a cross I gladly bear. The first step is identifying which members of the household are home for the meal in question. Second is figuring out from where food is to be procured, often a lengthy and tedious process. Third is the ordering process, either online or my preferred method, a phone. Finally, the last step is braving the elements to go retrieve the order and then experiencing the gratitude and smiles from those I’m feeding. Okay, with the miscellaneous random person-male edition that still lives at home, at least I get an affirming grunt.
I’m old school. It’s just not in my DNA to be so lazy that I’m willing to fork over another 10-15%, plus tip, to have someone I don’t know come to my house and bring me food I’m perfectly capable to go out and get myself.
I understand to some people that have mobility or health issues, services like this can be a lifesaver. I’m not calling for services like DoorDash to go the way of all things. There are times when they serve their purpose. But I just don’t see myself, short of going through a stroke, ever requiring their services.
As I said, I recognize I’m in the minority. DoorDash alone saw a 21% jump in revenue from 2023 to 2024, taking in just under $11 billion dollars. But now news comes that they’ve signed a deal with Klarna to give you, the consumer, the opportunity to finance your fast-food purchase. They call it a win. I call it another milepost marker on the road to Hell.
It’s DoorDash’s first BNPL alliance and gives users of the restaurant delivery service a new way to pay for meals. Klarna said in a press release that DoorDash customers will be able to pay in full at checkout, split payments into four equal interest-free installments, or defer to dates that align conveniently with payday schedules.
No, no, no. A thousand times, no. Do not listen to the siren song of “pay the full amount in 7 days and it’s interest-free.” Do not fall for the APR starts at 0% line. Why? Because if you’re occupying the station in life where you have to engage in the equivalent of a payroll advance loan for your chicken nugget meal, you’re not qualifying for 0% APR. You’re going to be at the other end of the spectrum, which is around 33%. And that’s already on top of Klarna tacking on another 10% service charge on top of Door Dash’s 10-15% delivery charge, which is on top of your fast food check, which is elevated to an absurd amount after paying entry-level employees $20 dollars an hour. Right here is where I draw the line.
My goal is not normalizing snobbery. But the cold, hard reality is if you’re feeling the need to finance your Happy Meal, literally adapting 100-year-old Wimpy economics meant to be a joke well into the 21st Century with all of its high-tech conveniences, it’s time to think about stuff you can make at home. It’s a hell of a lot cheaper, and it’s an awful lot better for you, in most cases.
For the love of all that’s holy, for the good of the republic, just say no to Swedish financing of your Double Double, animal style fries, and a neopolitan shake. And if you sadly do not live in proximity to an In-N-Out, be patient. They’re spreading across the South like kudzu. But when one opens up near you, for God’s sake, go get it yourself.
