On March 19, I recommended that President Donald Trump should lie about holding secret communications with (anonymous) high-ranking Iranian leaders to sow “discord, distrust, and paranoia among the mullahs.”
I even said Trump should call one of the leaders a “great guy” and claim that the two of ‘em got along splendidly: Why, he might even be good enough to run the country!
Which, of course, would trigger a manic Game of Thrones in Iran, where every mullah with Supreme ambitions jockeys against the other.
After all, tactically:
What we can’t decapitate, we ought to lobotomize. If the purpose of warfare is to break our enemy’s will to fight, turning Iran’s leaders against one another is our most logical next step. The PR benefit is huge — but far more importantly, it also signals to the Iranian people AND the mullahs AND the Iranian military/police that the current regime is on borrowed time.
We know it, you know it — and they know it, too. That’s why they’re abandoning ship like rats off a sinking boat.
On March 22, President Trump suddenly canceled plans to bomb Iran’s power plants, citing “very good and productive conversations” in his secret communications with unnamed Iranian leaders. Speaking of one Iranian in particular, the president added, “We’re dealing with the man who, I believe, is the most respected and the ‘leader’.”
The Iranians angrily denied the report, insisting that no one was speaking to Trump.
Iranian Parliament Speaker Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf said in a social media post on Monday that “no negotiations have been held with the US”.
“Fakenews [sic] is used to manipulate the financial and oil markets and escape the quagmire in which the US and Israel are trapped,” Ghalibaf wrote on X.
That echoed earlier remarks from Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman Esmaeil Baghaei, who also denied that any discussions with the US had taken place.
(If cardboard could talk, Mojtaba Khamenei would’ve denied it, too.)
Obviously, Iran or America is lying: Either Trump was communicating with one or more high-ranking Iranian leaders or he wasn’t.
Because Trump wasn’t just claiming they were communicating. He also crowed about the “secret prize” that Iran just gave to America.
If Trump was telling the truth — and America’s war objectives could be secured (and verified) without anyone else dying — then wonderful. The world would be a better, safer place. Take a bow, sign the deal, and let’s bring everyone home.
My suspicion, however, is that this was a PR tactic to placate the markets, and a very clever tactic at that: It also put the Iranians on serious tilt.
[Trump] is using ambiguity as a political and psychological weapon inside the Islamic Republic. By saying he has been talking to a very senior Iranian figure without naming that person, he is planting doubt and suspicion among what remains of the leadership.
In current conditions, that matters. Iran’s leaders are living in hiding. Command centers are disrupted. Communications are limited out of fear of interception and assassination.
Meetings are difficult, if not impossible. In that setting, a statement like this will be deeply unsettling. Each senior figure will now be asking: Who is talking to Washington? Who is looking for an off-ramp? What is being hidden from the others?
By naming no one, Trump makes everyone in Tehran wonder who is talking to Washington.
This does not affect only the top. Lower-ranking officials also hear the same message. If they begin to believe that some of their leaders are quietly searching for a way out, they will become more uncertain, more demoralized, and more open to defection.
A few publications are already running headlines like “Iran’s Regime Cracks Under Pressure: Paranoia and Infighting Explode After Trump’s Backchannel Reveal,” so we’ll see if the bigger publications follow in the next few days. This could be the dawn of a mullah battle royal. Getcha popcorn ready (munch, munch).
Unfortunately, in that same March 19 article, I offered two recommendations — and Iran, alas, just grabbed the second.
I wrote:
Did you know that the ships that pass through the Suez Canal pay a feces-ton of money? The transit fees are enormous.
In just the fourth quarter of 2024, Egypt collected $2.4 billion. And over a ten-year period, Egypt made over $60 billion from Suez revenue!
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
[…]
By some measurements, more high-revenue traffic goes through the Strait of Hormuz than either the Suez Canal or the Panama Canal. Whoever’s in charge could make a mint. And hey, what’s more “America First” than the American people being the primary beneficiary of American bravery?
Instead of simply charging a toll or a fee, I figured something with a green-sounding benefit would make all those NATO nations that spurned Trump’s request to help reopen the Strait of Hormuz squeal with delight:
I’d present Europe and Asia with a brand-new eco-friendly carbon tax that’s applied to all ships passing through the Strait of Hormuz, schlepping that ruinous carbon all over the world. (Trump could tell ‘em he was inspired by the finest European mind of our generation, Greta Thunberg.) After all, I’m sure all the nations that so enthusiastically signed the Paris Agreement wouldn’t have a problem with it. If anything, they’ll applaud President Trump for caring so much about our fragile planet.
We could call it the Carbon Offset While Accessing Ruinous Diesel tax — a.k.a. the C.O.W.A.R.D. tax.
That’d be nice: Make Europe cut checks to America for being a C.O.W.A.R.D.
Unfortunately, on March 22, Iran began demanding payments of $2 million to ships passing through the Strait of Hormuz. (And the Iranians didn’t even bother with a witty acronym! Their lack of effort is disappointing.)
The Iranian regime is charging some tankers $2 million to pass through the Strait of Hormuz in a bid to further its control over the global shipping choke point, according to reports.
Iranian lawmaker Alaeddin Boroujerdi told state broadcaster Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting (IRIB) on Sunday that the massive toll marks the start of a new approach to controlling the waterway, Iran International reported.
“Collecting $2 million as transit fees from some vessels crossing the strait reflects Iran’s strength,” Boroujerdi said during a television program cited by Iranian media.
I know, I know: I should’ve used my PR power for good and not evil. I pinky-swear to be more careful in the future.
But the upside is, now’s there a precedent for taxing ships and vessels in the Strait of Hormuz — and golly gee, I sure do care a lot about our environment!
Don’t you? (We only have one planet, you know.)
Hopefully, when this war is over, the “mystery leader” that Trump is secretly negotiating with will cut us a sweetheart deal to guarantee security in the Strait. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.
And just maybe, that’s the “secret prize” Iran just gave us.
One Last Thing: 2026 is a critical year for America First: It began with Mayor Mamdani declaring war on “rugged individualism” and will reach a crescendo with the midterm elections. Nothing less than the fate of the America First movement teeters in the balance.
Never before have the political battlelines been so clearly defined. Win or lose, 2026 will transform our country.
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