When your country finds itself in trouble and times of woe, all good men must rise up and offer their services in its hour of need. Even those of humble mien have roles to play. And thus I come forward to offer my services to President Donald Trump, Comptroller Elon Musk, and Judge Tonya Chutkan, presently acting as de facto Treasurer.
The crisis arose yesterday, when Judge Chutkan ruled that evidence of abuse and personal conveyance in a $20 billion slush fund set up by Joe Biden at the EPA was no reason to pull back the remaining funds. Chutkan ordered EPA Administrator Lee Zeldin to keep his hands off the remaining $14 billion, and also ordered Citibank not to move the funds from its not-at-all-suspicious outside stash either:
A federal judge on Tuesday blocked the Trump administration from terminating $14 billion in grants awarded to three climate groups by the Biden administration, saying the government’s “vague and unsubstantiated assertions of fraud are insufficient.”
The order by U.S. District Judge Tonya Chutkan prevents — for now — the Environmental Protection Agency from ending the grant program, which totaled $20 billion. The judge also blocked Citibank, which holds the money on behalf of EPA, from transferring it to the government or anyone else.
EPA Administrator Lee Zeldin accused the grant recipients of mismanagement, fraud and self-dealing and froze the grants. But after reviewing arguments in the case, Chutkan said Zeldin’s allegations fell short.
“At this juncture, EPA Defendants have not sufficiently explained why unilaterally terminating Plaintiffs’ grant awards was a rational precursor to reviewing” the green bank program, Chutkan wrote.
Readers may recall this slush fund as the source of $2 billion already distributed to Democrat governor-in-her-own-mind Stacey Abrams. Abrams apparently set up a climate-change non-profit with very few resources as a receiver for the grant, and claimed that the money would go to subsidizing energy-efficient appliances for lower-income households. Abrams had spent the past several years either challenging her own election loss or fundraising off of it to promote fellow Democrats for public office. This looked like an American Adscam to me, where bureaucrats use slush funds such as this to fund activist groups that help elect Democrats more than any other stated mission.
This brings me to my proposed act of selflessness, or perhaps I should say patriotism. Chutkan insists on spending this slush fund, and the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one, as my favorite Vulcan philosopher said at least twice. (Maybe three times, if you count J.J. Abrams as canon.) At the very least, however, let’s spend the slush fund on something other than the corruptocrats Biden et al clearly intended to benefit.
Even though the burden may be nearly unbearable, I offer myself as a recipient of this climate-change slush fund at the Stacey Abrams level. I am willing to take $2 billion of these funds in order to unwind the fund and assist all parties in complying with the law.
Please do not rush to advise me of the terrible weight of this sacrifice. I am well aware of the level of my heroic sacrifice.
How will I put this fund to use? Well, I might replace a few of my own appliances, but only to assist in countering climate change. A new Tesla roof and powerwall system would reduce my carbon footprint immeasurably. A new house with a larger Tesla roof and more powerwalls would reduce it even further, of course.
But enough of my personal sacrifices. What about my professional sacrifices?
Well, dear readers, it might mean less work here at Hot Air as I conduct intensive climate-change research. I would travel the globe to find evidence of warming climate and the potential impact of rising sea levels. Being a good American, I would first use the funds in the US, of course:
However, rest assured that I would not neglect a global approach to this research:
I would also conduct extensive personal studies on the effect that warming temperatures have on native dress and exposure of skin to UV rays. Because I believe in science:
Needless to say, this will be exhausting work. It will likely take me years to conduct this research personally, as I will insist on doing, so that I can ensure that the work is done properly. Reports on progress will return on a regular basis, both to the EPA and to Hot Air readers, as soon as as the hangovers dissipate. It could take years off my life, but I won’t call myself a hero for stepping up and working for my country.
You can call me a hero, though.
At the very least, I can promise that I will spend my $2 billion at least as honestly as Abrams would have spent hers. I can also promise that none of my $2 billion will go to electing Democrats, and I doubt any of it will go to electing anyone else either … except perhaps Heidi as the Riviera Beach Princess for the summer of 2025.
Or — and I’m just spitballing here — federal judges like Chutkan can choose not to cooperate with a dishonest flim-flam by Biden and his team to set up slush funds in the first place. The idea that the executive branch can’t correct for absurd machinations by the executive branch in the manner Zeldin wants is an absurdity. American taxpayers are getting shafted in a blatantly corrupt manner, and Zeldin has a responsibility to put it to an end.
Failing that, though, I stand ready to serve my country. Mr. President and Mr. Musk, feel free to burden me with those funds in order to unwind this corrupt program.
Addendum: I just assume other Americans will volunteer to pitch in, too. But if not, I will agree to take on more of the burden as necessary, but no more than, say … $5 billion. That’s my final offer.
Maybe. Because I am both patriotic and reasonable. And humble!
